


john, my beloved

by sharknado



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Internalized Homophobia, Just a lot of shit, M/M, im just listening to sufjan stevens and crying ok im gay and sad, metaphors and flowery language, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 14:29:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18551659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharknado/pseuds/sharknado
Summary: john egbert is not happy.





	john, my beloved

It’s five in the morning, and god does not feel like god.

 

He turns his head to look at the time--it has to be at least 7, right? Wrong. John Egbert groans as the bright green numbers flash at him garishly. 5 AM. 5 AM. 5 AM. 5 AM. It’s been ten years since the game began and he really doesn’t want to think about how many years it’s been since he lost his father. However, he looks at the date. April 13th. It’s been six months since he last saw Dave. Seven since he last saw Rose. God knows how many since he’s seen Jade. Was Roxy okay? Dirk? Jane? Jake? He remembers Terezi’s laughter, loud and ringing throughout the universe like the clashing of a gong. The thought of her makes his blood run cold. 

Today, on his 23rd birthday, he feels more alone than ever. There is no longer an illusion of prayer, of a god to pray to in his time of fear and self loathing. There is no longer a father to run to, to cry to late in the night about the terrifying dream that he had. There is no longer anything to look to for hope--besides himself. There is no god. Whatever god there was, it is no longer. John Egbert is the only god he can pray to, and a prayer of “god, let me be happy” falls upon his pleasantly deaf ears.

It’s always around this time that the universe decides to put him in a chokehold and kill him. Casey curls up at his feet in her sleep and takes deep, soothing breaths. He wonders what it’s like to be a seemingly immortal salamander with no worries in the world. She’s taken care of, sleeps on silky bedsheets and gets to do whatever she pleases. What’s it like to be carefree? There’s a long list of things that John thinks about in the dead of night and his friends are upon that list. He thinks about how Rose and Kanaya are married, how Dave and Karkat are….whatever they are. Are they friends? More? Who knows at this point. The point is, everyone is with someone be it platonic or romantic. Jade takes her time with whoever she feels like spending her time with, and she’s happy about it. Dave and Karkat exist together in harmony. Rose and Kanaya are so deeply and madly in love that it transcends the troll comprehension of romance and relationships. What’s John doing? What does he do? He lays there, stares at the ceiling. His home is a mess. He only cleans up so Casey doesn’t get sick. Sometimes he thinks about Terezi. That was weird. Sometimes he thinks about having hours and hours and hours of conversation with Dave. Time passes. So do people. People leave your life, and sometimes you feel like they leave it with another piece of you. 

That’s when a voice in the back of his head speaks up. 

 

Did they leave you, or did you leave them, John? Did you leave them for dead? Your friends probably worry. But you never answer. You never text back, you never call. What the hell is wrong with you? What the fuck do you have to say for yourself? 

 

Questions like this won’t answer themselves.

 

He grabs his phone to look at the time, when he knows damn well he could just look at the digital clock that sits on his nightstand.

 

TG: hey

TG: happy birthday john

TG: we miss you

TG: i miss you

TG: call one of us sometime

 

Oh, god damnit.


End file.
